To My Angel In Heaven

Dear baby,

When I first found out about you, I freaked. I feel so guilty now because you deserved better. You deserved the excitement and joy I had with your brother Malcolm. I was so scared.

At the time, i was struggling emotionally. I felt like i was drowning in my day to day work and felt like no matter what i did i couldnt catch up or catch a breath. I was struggling being a mom to Macky. I felt like i was failing at absolutely everything. So when I found out I was pregnant, I just became more scared.

How was I going to handle two babies? How was I going to pick up Macky with a huge belly? When I put him in his crib, im already on my tippy toes and pressing against my belly to put him in.

My village ( my mom, my mother in law, my friends) all gave me the courage that when you were born I would just do it. That somehow I would become super mom and it would just happen naturally. As time went, I grew more and more excited. I prayed daily for you to be a girl. Mainly for your daddy, i know how much he would love a daughter in our lives. But if you were boy, id be just as happy. I was excited to grow our family despite the fears that were stirring in me.

I struggled this pregnancy, had so much morning sickness and battling with waves of hormones. I cried to tangled one day. I cried many days actually. Im not usually one to cry but i couldnt help all the emotions in me daily.

But i began fantasizing about you joining our family, and with each thought my love grew for you deeper and deeper. I couldnt wait to find out your gender and pick your name. I already told myself id raise macky to take care of you hoping that he wouldnt be jealous with you around and see you as his responsibility. You were going to bunk with your brother and i laughed thinking of Macky showing you how to climb out of your crib in the future. August was your due date. 2•13•22 you went back into Gods arms in heaven. And my heart broke, i blamed me. I was hurt. I thought i pushed it too far and i wasnt as careful.

Im currently really in denial. In denial of it all. First I was in shock I was having you. Now Im in shock im not. Its all happened so quickly. But i want you to know that forever in my heart you will be. I know you are safe now in a beautiful heaven with your great grandmas and family. I know you will watch over us and I promise to tell macky about you. We will bring you flowers as often as we can.

Everyday im reminded of you in the smallest of ways. I received clothes i bought to wear with my big ol belly as you grew this summer. I found some small pants i was saving for you that were mackys. Your ultrasound photo was in my car right where i left it after our first appointment and i wanted to see you everytime i went in the car like i did with macky and his ultrasound. I love you and it hurts to know i cant hold you here but soon i will hold you tight and we will meet again.

With all the love in my heart and all the hugs and all the kisses,

mommy