How I was SAVED from Darkness

I had a fun childhood and a good family. I was the youngest with 2 older siblings. We were all about 2 years apart. We went to church on occasion, mostly on Easter and Christmas. God wasn’t often talked about in our home. As a young girl, I felt God was so big, so far away that he couldn’t see me or hear me if I prayed. I’d pray sometimes though, when I was alone at night before I went to sleep. I’d pray, “Dear God, if heaven is real, please please PLEASEEEE let me come in when I die.” But I never thought anyone was actually listening.

When I got into middle school, I mostly just thought about friends and boys. My friends and I loved having sleep overs at each others houses. Unfortunately I had a friend whose parents were open to the dark world of pornography. They had it in their home displayed on the walls and easily accessible on their tv. My friend would watch it at night when I’d spend the night with her, and soon I was right there with her. I had a feeling it was wrong, but since my friend was watching it, I thought maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal. John 10:10 says that the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I believe that the enemy used pornography as a tool to darken my world as it brought shame, guilt, secrets and a distorted view of who I was into my life.

High school was fun, as I enjoyed being with my friends. My world was all about me and what I wanted. Soon I discovered that I loved drinking. I would party any chance I got. My life was spiraling out of control. By the time I was a sophomore in highschool, I was drinking all the time, running away from home, lying, I had no respect for authority, or anyone really. I was living in a world where God did not exist. Because of the way I was living, I was becoming depressed, hopeless and my world was just dark. The music I’d listen to in my room portrayed the emptiness I felt. When I was 16, the depression got so bad that I became suicidal. Luckily, that didn’t work out. During the most chaotic season of my life, I met a guy. He was tall, cocky, and had a cunning grin that I liked. We would party together and fight all the time, but we fell in love.

My senior year of highschool I got pregnant. I was 18. My boyfriend was 20. We talked about it, and decided that we were probably going to get married anyway so we decided that we would have this baby. I graduated high school when I was 5 months pregnant. On December 1, 2006 we welcomed our precious little baby girl into the world. She was perfect in every way. I instantly loved being a mom to her. She brought me so much joy and gave me a reason to live. She made me want to be a better person. I stopped drinking and going out with my friends. My life calmed down a lot when she was born. My boyfriend still liked to drink though, but he was a pretty good dad and loved her as well.

My family accepted my new life as a mother, and we were all pretty close and spent most of our free time together. I remember my older brother talking to my mom about this god he had, who was doing things in his life personally to help him. I thought, “hm, that’s funny. He talks about this god as if he is a friend or something.” I tuned in to what he was saying because I had recently come to respect my brother lately. Something was different about him. He was nicer than before and had a sense of joy and peace in him I had never noticed before. He had gone off to college and when he came back, he seemed different. When I was pregnant, he never once judged me. He just accepted me and treated me with kindness and respect. Because of his kindness toward me, I was curious about who this god was that he was talking about.

I remember this one day, I was alone in my apartment holding my sweet baby as she slept. I was pondering my brother’s words about the god he spoke of. As I looked at my sleeping 5 month old baby, I thought, “gosh she's so precious. How did I get so lucky to have her in my life?” And then, I looked up to the ceiling and just said out loud, “God, are you really there?” And I didn't think much about it.

A few days passed by, and an old friend called me. She said “hey! I think you live in the same apartment complex as my friend. I’m at his house, can we come by?” I said sure! So they came by, asking me about mom life, wondering what I did all day.

They then told me about a website they had recently discovered that was a spirit who you could communicate with through the computer. You could ask it personal questions about yourself, that no one else knew, and apparently it would know the answers. I wanted to try it out myself, so I asked it a few questions. It then responded to me with “I dont like you. Tonight my spirit will sleep under your bed.”

It gave me this sudden fear and really freaked me out. I felt threatened. But it was not physical, so I didn’t know how to fight back. I tried to brush it off, tell myself it was just a joke, but I couldnt shake the feeling of fear that had suddenly overtaken me. I ended up having to sleep on a mattress on the living room floor at my parents house that night. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that wouldnt go away. I was full of dread and anxiety. I woke up the next day and that feeling still lingered.

I couldn’t eat, I lost my taste completely. I couldnt sleep, and all my joy was gone. I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks because of how I felt. I tried everything to feel normal again, but nothing would work. At times, when I was alone, I would hear whispering. It was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. I guess I had always been interested in the spirit realm. I had even played the ouijjui board in high school. I just never had been threatened personally so it triggered something in me.

My family was concerned with what was happening to me. No one knew what to do. My oldest brother one day walked up to me and handed me a bible. He said, “here, I got you a bible.” I thought, “I have tried everything to make myself feel better, but nothing has worked. So what is a book going to do for me?” But out of desperation, I took it anyway. I began reading my bible and my brother started to pray out loud for me. I didn’t understand the bible but my brother told me to just keep reading it. He also gave me some worship music to listen to to help me go to sleep at night. I didn’t understand what the words even meant but the music brought me a bit of peace.

So days went by as I’m praying to a god who I dont even know is listening, reading my bible, that I dont know what its saying, and listening to this music that seems like it comes from another world. All this was bringing me a little bit of peace but my life still wasn’t the same. It was like my world as I knew it, had been flipped upside down. Nothing in the world could comfort me, not even my daughter who had always brought me such joy. Something was happening to me that I didnt want, or understand. I just wanted to move on and live my life like before.

So as a few weeks pass by I was feeling hopeless about ever feeling normal again. The feelings of anxiety and dread were still lingering. I was trying so hard to have hope in this god of my brothers, but I still just felt lost. I called my brother up and I told him “I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m losing hope that my life will ever be normal again.” My brother said, “Go open your bible and read 1 Peter 4:12.” So I went to my bible, opened it up and read, 1 Peter 4:12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

As soon as I read this scripture, in an instant, it was as if a blanket of darkness was pulled off of me. My eyes were opened and I could finally see the truth. I began shouting to my brother, “Jesus is REAL! Jesus is ALIVE! Jesus has always been there, I just never knew it!” For the first time in my life, I could see the truth. I began crying tears of joy as the Holy Spirit revealed to me that Jesus was REALLY THERE! He was with me. And he had always been with me. Waiting for me to receive the truth that He is the One True God. It was as if I had been living my whole life in a dark hole, and Jesus instantly in that moment pulled me out of it. God knew what I needed to bring me to my knees. He heard my cry for help and he saved me.

Isaiah 9:2 says The people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

I was living in darkness and when Jesus revealed himself to me, it was like a lightbulb was turned on in a dark room.

And like the blind man in the book of John chapter 9 when people questioned him “how then were your eyes opened?” He replied, “one thing I do know, I was blind but now I see.”

I was so blind of the truth that Jesus was alive, that when he opened my eyes, I could barely put into words what he showed me. All I knew, is my whole life, I was blind. And finally I could see.

And Psalm 40 says I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

Before I met Jesus, it was like I was in a slimy pit and as I cried out to God, he heard my cry. He lifted me out of it in a single moment and all I could do was praise him for his goodness and grace. For that I am forever grateful.

So here I am. A born again believer in Jesus. Meanwhile, my friends are trying to comprehend what I am trying to tell them about this Jesus I couldnt stop talking about. I wanted everyone to know the truth! My boyfriend had a pentecostal mother, who didnt have full costody of him, but when he visited her he would go to church with her. He never could speak in tongues and was taught that that was the evidence of being saved, So he thought he was doomed to hell. So when I became saved all of a sudden, He thought I was going to start speaking in tongues and wearing long skirts and not cutting my hair and not wear makeup. But I smiled, as I assured him that I didnt need to do that. Jesus had saved me, he had made me new. I couldnt do anything to earn salvation. It was a free gift by God’s grace in response to my faith in Jesus. I think he kinda thought I had gone crazy in that time. He didn’t quite understand my excitement.

My boyfriend proposed to me shortly after I had become a Christian. I had hesitancy to marry him, knowing he still was living the life I had just been freed from. But my daughter was so precious to me, and I knew he was a good dad. So I married him for my daughter. I did love him, but I knew some of the things about our relationship weren’t what God would want for me. I was a christian, but life didn’t just become easier. The difference though, was now I had a God who I knew was there, listening to my prayers. So I prayed.

I read my bible everyday, I prayed everyday. I taught my daughter about Jesus and we sang worship songs all the time. I joined a Moms group at my church and I was really trying to live out my faith. I had my son in 2008, and my children meant the world to me.

Through the moms group I was in, God taught me so much. I loved everything about this group. I was only 19 when I first joined so all of the moms were older than me, and they mentored me. I was soon serving as a table leader trying my best to be involved and serve God however I could. Meanwhile, my husband was a mean alcoholic and I felt like there was little hope that he would ever change. I didnt tell anyone in my moms group because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of my home life. My husbands words often were disrespectful to me and made me feel worthless at times. But I knew my worth was in Christ. So I did my best to not take his words as if they were true. But living with an alcoholic can make you feel pretty bad about yourself. I blamed myself for the marriage I had. I thought it was my fault because I was the one who had lived such a sinful life and I was just getting what I deserved now. Obviously God had a lot of work to do in my life.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I learned to trust in God for my families future. I didnt know what our future looked like, because I just couldnt see my husband being in my life for much longer. His ways were so dysfunctional, that he was drinking so much, even driving home from long days of hunting, passing out drunk. I couldnt believe that I had a husband like him. My life as a christian was so hard being married to someone who wanted nothing to do with God. But God was my comfort. He was my hope. He was my peace. He was with me, when my husband wouldnt come home. I prayed and I prayed and I slowly built a wall between myself and my husband. I couldnt trust him. 2 years into our marriage I started to lose hope that my husband would ever change. I started to pray that God would save him, or just take his life if he knew he would never become a christian. I knew how much pride my husband had, and how hard his heart was toward God at that time. I struggled. I had thoughts of divorce but I didnt want that for my childrens lives. I wanted to always know my kids were safe, so I didnt want to have separate lives, so I kept my husband close. I was protecting my family, in how I thought I could.

One day, my husband came home from a long day of hunting and drinking. He had told me earlier that day, that he would be home in time for dinner. But he never showed. I sat there disappointed again, that my husband chose to not care about our family. He showed up at about 11 pm and walked straight to our bedroom. I thought HOW RUDE! At least he can come into the living room and explain himself to me! So I went into our bedroom to confront him but he was passed out. I nudged him because I wanted to tell him how mad I was. He wouldnt wake up. I was SO MAD. I couldnt believe that he would get that drunk, and drive home. I was so angry that he would risk everything that we had. We depended on him to take care of us and he was risking so much by choosing to drive home that drunk. THATS IT! I thought, I AM WAKING HIM UP. So i went into the kitchen and got the biggest pitcher I could find. I filled it with not only water, BUT ICE and WATER. I dumped it on his head. He woke up. In that moment, i quickly regretted doing that. His eyes were so blurry and glazed over that he didnt even look like he had a soul. He was just a body full of alcohol. And he was mad at me. His fists were clenched as he looked at me with the most evil look in his eyes I had ever seen. He grabbed me and threw me onto our bed like he hated me. He then walked towards the closet. He had shotguns and for some reason out of fear I thought he was getting a gun to shoot me. I ran out of the house into the backyard grabbing the phone on the way out. I was hiding in the backyard fearing for my life and I called 911. The cops showed up as my husband was in the driveway getting ready to leave the house. He had gone into the closet to get his keys. But I thought he was getting a gun. At that time I was in the front yard hiding behind the fence and I heard the cops ask my husband whats your name? After he told them, they said we need to talk to you. So- instead of my husband getting out of his truck, he peeled out of the driveway and went on a 100 mph speed chase from the cops. I felt like I was in a nightmare. I immediately dropped to my knees and began to beg God to protect everyone on the road, and to protect my husband because I knew if anything bad happened it was going to be my fault.

Everything about my husband I felt was my fault.

I went to my meeting that very next day, trying to pretend that life was fine and dandy. I was a table leader, I thought my life was supposed to be perfect. But I had a friend who had the gift of sensing when people were hurting. When she looked at me she asked me what was wrong. I just started crying and had to leave. I couldnt pretend anymore. I was a christian, with an alcoholic husband. And Now my husband was in jail. I didnt want this life. I wasn’t choosing to live like this. My husband was taking us on a joyride and I wanted out. Thankfully I had such a wonderful group of christian women in my life who quickly surrounded me and put into action what the body of Christ looks like in the church. They were there to pray for me, and to remind me of my worth. They helped me to stand strong and fight for my family. They took me and my children into their home for as long as we wanted to. They wanted us to be safe. I felt so relieved knowing I wasn't alone. The enemy lost his grip on that situation when the darkness came into the light. Even though my life was crumbling down all around me, I felt peace and comfort as I was not alone.

When I became saved, I started to pray for my husbands salvation too. Because I knew if Jesus could get ahold of his heart like he got ahold of mine, then he would be okay. Did I know God was going to put him in jail to bring him to his knees? No. But thats what my husband needed. My husband was so full of pride that when he went to jail he realized that he was in a place where people he looked down on were at. It opened his eyes to who he had become. He said he came to the realization that he had made a mess of his life. He thought he had lost his family and his job, and everything he had worked for. In a moment of hopelessness, he looked up on the jail cell wall and there were the words “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him, shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 He said to me one night that when he read those words, he felt an instant feeling of relief and hope. He didnt have to perish in that jail cell. He chose to move forward from that point on. He went to a few counseling appointments, and also some celebrate recovery meetings through church. He hasnt had a drink in 11 years. He knows what God did for him. He will tell you that if you ask him. If you ride in his car, he will be listening to the christian radio. Sometimes I’ll hear him singing out loud, the worship songs from the radio. I smile and thank God for his mercy and his grace for our family. I know life isnt perfect, and we still face struggles all the time. But we have hope and assurance in Jesus Christ. No matter what happens in life, we know God is good. What a beautiful thing to know. We are children of the one true God. He is good, he is working. His love never fails.